A Wibbly Wobbly Confession

Yesterday I had some great news at WI, I got my 4 stone shiney sticker. It felt fantastic, but it made me realise that for the last month or so I’ve been in major Sabotage Mode when it comes to my weight loss. Overall I’ve lost almost 5 stone now and I only have 2 stone 2lbs to go until I hit target. You’d think that would be motivating wouldn’t you? I should be running to my goal full speed, flailing my arms around like a mad person. The truth is, I’m not.

While the idea of being able to go on a shopping spree is exciting, I’m actually terrified of getting to target. Target is a scary place. There are a few reasons for this…
Firstly, it’s easy to keep some kind of motivation going when you’re consistently losing every week but what will keep me motivated when that stops? Sure, I’ll have compliments to keep me going for a while, new clothes I’ve only ever dreamed of squeezing into, and of course, I’ll be feeling smug for a good week or so. But then what? What is there to stop me reaching for the crisps, sweets and…PIES?! Oh sweet jesus…there will be pies….I love teh pie…
Secondly, now that I’m losing weight, I’m uncovering a whole load of other things that I don’t like about my body and never noticed before. This wasn’t the magic fix I always imagined it to be. All of a sudden I’ve got a horrible nose, flabby legs, my boobs are still ridiculously huge and please, let’s not even think about my ears…you’re looking at them aren’t you? Aren’t you? Stop it! Stop looking at me! I’m a hideous monster!
…so maybe I’m exaggerating the voices in my head for comic effect, but you get the idea..being thin is not going to make me perfect. I have to start learning to like myself now that there’s nothing left to change and I’ve never been all too good at liking myself.
And finally…I’m not sure if people have noticed…but I spent an awful long time stuffing my face with delicious crap, building myself a nice, squidgey protective shell to hide behind. Being fat could be great! Okay, so most of it was really shit…but it was always so easy to use it as an excuse. People had a problem with me? Sure okay, it’s because I’m fat…and because I’m so fat and I have these layers to hide behind, nothing hurts me and I don’t care. And it went the other way too, I’m fat and rubbish so no one cares enough to hurt me in the first place. I was invincible, nothing hurt me! Yay! Win! etc… Now I’m smaller, I don’t have that shell to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and all of a sudden it feels like everyone is out to get me… Deep down I know that I wasn’t invincible, people did hurt me, I hated myself but it’s incredibly hard to re-programme what you’ve been telling yourself for years.
So here it is, the huge kick up the arse I needed…a confession for the whole of the internetz to see…I am scared of target…ahh!
I don’t usually do personal blog posts, they make me anxious. I prefer to stick to good old trusty recipes. But, I’m hoping that as well as helping me work through the emotional crap that comes with losing a lot of weight, this post will help others who feel the same. Now that I’ve finally admitted to myself that I have been a lazy slacker the past month or so, I can move on and start getting back into plan 100%. I can do this.
SW has the ‘biggest loser’ competition in class next week, whoever is in class that day who has lost the most weight, wins. Simple. I have two competitors, one is a whole stone ahead of me but rarely arrives in time for class, the other is only 1lb ahead of me. If I get a good loss next week then I stand a chance of winning! Me…winning! I like to win things, it doesn’t happen much. So there’s my motivation for the week, and there’s no way I’m going back to slacking now that I’ve made my confession on here, I really don’t want to write another one.
But anyway, enough of this emotional bullshit. Let’s talk about food.
Seeing as I was going on about being all wibbly wobbly, I thought now would be a good time to mention the wibbly wobbly jelly I’ve been munching on today.
Yes, that’s right. Wibbly, wobbly, sugar free VEGAN jelly. Turns out that Weight Watchers wins with their low cal jelly mix this time round. 1/2 a syn a serving and it’s delicious. Why it appears to be no points on WW and synned on SW is beyond me, but WHATEVER, 1/2 a syn really ain’t too bad.

40p a sachet, give it a go.
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7 thoughts on “A Wibbly Wobbly Confession

  1. I know where you're coming from. I am very overweight and would like to lose some but it is hard, and I know being thin wouldn't make me perfect so I just don't bother. You've worked so hard, and you know you can do it now! Keep it up, don't fear your target and be really proud of yourself! xx

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  2. Thanks for this post. I really enjoy reading the recipes on your blog and I like hearing something about the person behind them.

    My girlfriend and I are also SW vegans… we've only been there since Jan and it's really good to see another vegan getting on so well.

    Hugs re: fear of target. I can totally see where you're coming from. I've been big my whole life and the idea of not having it to hide behind is a bit like someone taking away a comfort blanket one stone at a time…

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  3. Minxface: Thank you, you've been the main person keeping me going with SW. You've been a great inspiration and a fantastic friend throughout, I never would have started if not for you!

    Badschnoodles: Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely recommend looking at SW as a weight loss plan if you do decide to 'diet', it's been such an easy plan to follow compared to all the other diets I've done in the past

    cloudy_lemonade: Ah, SW vegans! That's great! It's always good to hear from other vegans following the plan. I'm glad you enjoy reading my recipes.

    It's reassuring to hear that others are feeling the same vulnerability losing weight and that it's not just me. So many people keep telling me how happy and proud I should be and I don't want to worry them by telling them how scared I am to see this through.

    Good luck to both you and your girlfriend with SW!

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  4. I also know where you're coming from! I recently lost two stone and I hit my target in January…and since then I've really struggled to maintain my weight. It's been 2lbs off/1lb on/1.5lbs off/2lbs on etc etc – always staying *around* the same weight but never quite managing to do it! Realistically I know that it's fine for my weight to fluctuate by a couple of pounds week on week, and on the one hand I'm terrified of becoming obsessed with every tiny little fluctuation, but I'm equally terrified of putting on 'the odd pound here and there' and ending up back where I started! It's a tough one.

    But you've done amazingly well and I'm sure you'll continue to do amazingly well! Hope you win Slimmer of the Week : )

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  5. I'm having the exact same problem now that I'm finally at target! its really hard to stop myself eating crap coz I want to enjoy being at target but I don't want to pile the weight slowly back on but also don't want to become weight obsessed!

    you're doing amazingly by the way, well done! I love your blog, I'm vegetarian and strongly considering going vegan so I'm gonna have a good nosey at all your posts to pick up some food tips! xx

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  6. Very insightful. I've often wondered what would happen when I get to final goal. I'm gonna have to start thinking about it more seriously as this year runs down. It's nice to know I'm not the only person wondering where I'd go from there!

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