Yesterday I had some great news at WI, I got my 4 stone shiney sticker. It felt fantastic, but it made me realise that for the last month or so I’ve been in major Sabotage Mode when it comes to my weight loss. Overall I’ve lost almost 5 stone now and I only have 2 stone 2lbs to go until I hit target. You’d think that would be motivating wouldn’t you? I should be running to my goal full speed, flailing my arms around like a mad person. The truth is, I’m not.
While the idea of being able to go on a shopping spree is exciting, I’m actually terrified of getting to target. Target is a scary place. There are a few reasons for this…
Firstly, it’s easy to keep some kind of motivation going when you’re consistently losing every week but what will keep me motivated when that stops? Sure, I’ll have compliments to keep me going for a while, new clothes I’ve only ever dreamed of squeezing into, and of course, I’ll be feeling smug for a good week or so. But then what? What is there to stop me reaching for the crisps, sweets and…PIES?! Oh sweet jesus…there will be pies….I love teh pie…
Secondly, now that I’m losing weight, I’m uncovering a whole load of other things that I don’t like about my body and never noticed before. This wasn’t the magic fix I always imagined it to be. All of a sudden I’ve got a horrible nose, flabby legs, my boobs are still ridiculously huge and please, let’s not even think about my ears…you’re looking at them aren’t you? Aren’t you? Stop it! Stop looking at me! I’m a hideous monster!
…so maybe I’m exaggerating the voices in my head for comic effect, but you get the idea..being thin is not going to make me perfect. I have to start learning to like myself now that there’s nothing left to change and I’ve never been all too good at liking myself.
And finally…I’m not sure if people have noticed…but I spent an awful long time stuffing my face with delicious crap, building myself a nice, squidgey protective shell to hide behind. Being fat could be great! Okay, so most of it was really shit…but it was always so easy to use it as an excuse. People had a problem with me? Sure okay, it’s because I’m fat…and because I’m so fat and I have these layers to hide behind, nothing hurts me and I don’t care. And it went the other way too, I’m fat and rubbish so no one cares enough to hurt me in the first place. I was invincible, nothing hurt me! Yay! Win! etc… Now I’m smaller, I don’t have that shell to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and all of a sudden it feels like everyone is out to get me… Deep down I know that I wasn’t invincible, people did hurt me, I hated myself but it’s incredibly hard to re-programme what you’ve been telling yourself for years.
So here it is, the huge kick up the arse I needed…a confession for the whole of the internetz to see…I am scared of target…ahh!
I don’t usually do personal blog posts, they make me anxious. I prefer to stick to good old trusty recipes. But, I’m hoping that as well as helping me work through the emotional crap that comes with losing a lot of weight, this post will help others who feel the same. Now that I’ve finally admitted to myself that I have been a lazy slacker the past month or so, I can move on and start getting back into plan 100%. I can do this.
SW has the ‘biggest loser’ competition in class next week, whoever is in class that day who has lost the most weight, wins. Simple. I have two competitors, one is a whole stone ahead of me but rarely arrives in time for class, the other is only 1lb ahead of me. If I get a good loss next week then I stand a chance of winning! Me…winning! I like to win things, it doesn’t happen much. So there’s my motivation for the week, and there’s no way I’m going back to slacking now that I’ve made my confession on here, I really don’t want to write another one.
But anyway, enough of this emotional bullshit. Let’s talk about food.
Seeing as I was going on about being all wibbly wobbly, I thought now would be a good time to mention the wibbly wobbly jelly I’ve been munching on today.
Yes, that’s right. Wibbly, wobbly, sugar free VEGAN jelly. Turns out that Weight Watchers wins with their low cal jelly mix this time round. 1/2 a syn a serving and it’s delicious. Why it appears to be no points on WW and synned on SW is beyond me, but WHATEVER, 1/2 a syn really ain’t too bad.
40p a sachet, give it a go.