Well, I’ve got a disgusting double whammy for you today. The first is from the cookbook Vegan Cooking: The Compassionate Way of Eating by Leah Leneman
I’ve come across Leah Leneman before, I own a few of her books including Vegan Cooking For One and Easy Vegan Cooking. Whilst not my favourite go to cookbooks, they’re not awful. Most things I’ve tried have been pretty good and simple enough for me to make adaptions/improvements. They do have some pretty freaking weird recipes in them though (Banana and spaghetti curry and banana risotto spring to mind) so I knew that going back around 10 years prior to her writing the cookbooks I already own was probably going to take me down a very dark path indeed.
And fucking hell. What a dark path that was.
Before I go into details/recipes etc, I’d just like to point out a select few words from this book
Variety is the key-note of this book which proves that vegan recipes can be nourishing, colourful and quick to prepare
Notice the lack of the words tasty, delicious or edible in that sentence. Just saying’.
I decided to make the vegan cheese because it sounded utterly vile but also hilarious. I’d actually heard about this recipe from some old school vegans I know. This cheese is so bad that it still haunts their memories…of course I had to make it.
- Equal parts margarine and flour
- Yeast extract to taste
I swear to you. These ingredients are no joke. I promise.
- Melt the margarine in a pan, stir in the yeast extract and flour.
- Pop into a dish and refrigerate until ready to eat.
The following is like a soft cheese spread, handy for biscuits, baked potatoes etc
No it’s fucking not Leah. I hope you were BORN vegan, because otherwise I don’t know how the hell you thought this was anything like cheese. But before I go into details, let’s just move on to the second recipe.
So I didn’t want to just present a bit of crappy ‘cheese’ as a Mofo post. You lot deserve better than that. I thought I’d make a soup to go with it, so I could have ‘cheezy toast’ to dip into it.
I picked up The Vegan Cookbook next and flicked through.
Carrot and Orange Soup. Okay, that sounds weird enough, but could potentially be tasty right?
Carrot & Orange Soup
- 500g carrots, sliced thinly
- 1/2 pint orange juice
- 1 tsp salt
- zest of 1 orange
- juice of 1 orange
- juice of 1 lemon
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 1/2 pint soya milk
- pepper to taste
- Put the carrots, orange juice and salt into a pan and bring to the boil. Simmer for 15-20 minutes until carrots are soft
- Take the carrots off the heat, add the orange zest, juice, lemon juice, olive oil, soya milk and pepper.
- Put the mixture into a blender and blend until smooth.
- Pop back into the pan and heat through before serving
Right, so I had my soup and I’d scraped my cheeze onto some lovely fresh bread from Trove Bakery (which I’d popped under the grill to make it ‘melt’…it didn’t melt). So I plated it all up and made it look nice, see.
Okay as nice as it possibly could look. Cut me some slack.
And then I bit into the bread and I got this fucking awful, claggy ‘cheeze’ stick my mouth shut. I had no choice but to just chew, chew and chew until it finally went away. It was horrible. I normally like yeast extract but it was just horrendous. It was like eating beefy flour.
So I quickly spooned some of the soup into my gob in an attempt to get rid of the claggy mess that was coating the roof of my mouth. UGH. Jesus! I have never had a soup so sickly sweet. I like orange juice and I like carrots but this was just overpoweringly sweet and tasted of nothing but carrot and orange juice, which makes sense because there’s barely anything else in there.
Fuck. Why did I make this? Damn you Mofo!