Feeling all the Feels. Baking all the Cakes

I’m back with an update and some cake, go me!

I’ve finished my second week of work now and as of today I’m back on full hours. I won’t lie, it’s been a super overwhelming experience. Getting back to normality has been hard and I’m still struggling to deal with a lot of strange and unexpected emotions that have been surfacing.

My first working weekend has been and gone, bringing up all kinds of extra feels. In my absence I’d forgotten what it’s like to be repeatedly misgendered all day, so that was painful. I’d finish a 2 hour till stint wishing for the wrath of Dark Willow to free me from the clutches of my skin cage. Warren, you are one lucky bastard.

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But, I persevered. I dealt with crowds, questions and small talk. I pushed through brain fog. I didn’t have a single panic attack, despite feeling on the edge of one for most of Sunday. These are all good positive things that I am trying to remind myself of because when I got home on Sunday, all of the feels in the world hit me…pretty much like this:

It really was enough ‘fun’ for one day. More than enough. I ended up crawling into bed and crying it out for a few hours because apparently I am a child again and that is how I must deal with all the emotions!

I woke up yesterday morning TIRED and not up for doing anything at all. I spent most of the day getting into a new murdery podcast All Killa No Filla and having a bubble bath. I didn’t want to sink back into my old routine of hiding all day, so I pushed myself to get up and do something.

I decided to make cake, because…what else is worth doing in life?

You got it.

Nothing.

I had some free bananas and a free lemon from work, so I decided to use them up. I added lots of coconut because why the hell not?

Banana Coconut Lemon Cake

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Ingredients:

  • 2 bananas
  • 1/3 cup oil
  • 1 cup coconut milk
  • 1/2 tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1 1/2 cups plain flour
  • 1/3 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/3 cup dessicated coconut (plus a little more for decorating)
  • 2 tsp baking powder
  • zest and juice of 1 lemon
  • 3/4 cup icing sugar

Method:

  1. Preheat the oven to 180C and line a loaf tin with parchment paper
  2. Mash the banana and mix in the oil, milk and vanilla extract
  3. In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, sugar, coconut and baking powder
  4. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and stir until just mixed
  5. Pour into the loaf tin and bake for 45-55 minutes
  6. Once the cake has cooled, mix the lemon juice with the icing. Smother the cake in it and top with lemon zest and dessicated coconut

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This was super quick and easy and I like quick and easy rewards. I managed to end the day feeling like I’d done something worthwhile.

I’m always an anxious human, but I have a lot of extra fears now that my safety blanket of a phased return is up. I know I’m not better yet and I’m already feeling the pressure to be “well” again, whatever that means.

For now at least, I have cake to take with me to work this morning, so I’ll get through today. I’ll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

 

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5 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels. Baking all the Cakes

  1. Cake makes things a little bit better. It was good that you were able to take some time for bubble baths and baking. ❤
    I just finished my Buffy rewatch, and thought I wasn't going to have to watch Warren get his skin stripped off until I started my next rewatch at the end of the year. They really enjoy repeating that in the 'previously on' sections… a lot.

    Like

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